The Something Man

Mar 20, 2014
Originally published on March 5, 2015 11:17 am

Sing us a song, you're the Spider-Man...wait, what? In this game, our very own music man Jonathan Coulton performs alternate renditions of songs about all different kinds of men.

Heard in Episode 312: Leggo My Lego

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(APPLAUSE)

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Let's met our next two contestants Dan Bocchino and Terry Buechner.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Now I can tell just in this one second from meeting you that you guys seem like intelligent, savvy, travelled men.

DAN BOCCHINO: Absolutely.

TERRY BUECHNER: That's correct. Yes.

EISENBERG: Now my mother used tell me...

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: ...that every man should be able to do two things, should be able to tie and tie and fix a flat tire. Yeah. So I mean I have my own; I think every man should be able to make and Excel spreadsheet and walk the dog at night. You know, like we all have our things. But you tell me, Terry, what two things do you think as a man every man should have to be able to do?

BUECHNER: Drive a stick shift car - be able to drive.

EISENBERG: That's good.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo.

BUECHNER: If those still exist. Do they still exist?

EISENBERG: I - yeah.

BUECHNER: And give a toast.

EISENBERG: Give a toast. Nice.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Classy. Very classy. Dan?

BOCCHINO: I'm most comfortable in my house in the kitchen, so I think every man should know how to cook.

EISENBERG: Yes.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

BOCCHINO: And something I learned when I was just turning into a teenager, I think every man should know how to master build.

(LAUGHTER)

BOCCHINO: I'm very good at that. It comes naturally.

EISENBERG: OK. This game is called The Something Man and it's a music game.

JONATHAN COULTON: That's right. And we are clearly running out of patience for inventing titles...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: ...for these games. There many songs about some kinds of men. In this game we'll need you to be a little bit more specific. I'm going to alter songs that feature the word man in the title, and all you have to do is tell us what the correct lyrics are. And the winner of this round will move on to our Ask Me One More final round at the end of the show. You ready?

BOCCHINO: Yes.

BUECHNER: Yes.

COULTON: OK. (Singing) Sing us a song, you're the spider man. Sing us a song tonight. Well, we're all in the mood for a melody. You've got us feeling all right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Dan.

BOCCHINO: "Piano Man."

COULTON: "Piano Man" is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Here we go.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) There a man who leads a life of danger. Everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes, another chance he takes. Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow. Elevator man. Elevator man. They've given you a number. I know they take away your name.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Dan.

BOCCHINO: "Secret Agent Man?"

COULTON: "Secret Agent Man." That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: When elevator man is undercover he takes the stairs.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Nah. That guy couldn't have been an elevator man. He was taking the stairs.

EISENBERG: I know. Right?

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I'm a Kool-Aid man. Kool-Aid man, burning out his fuse up here alone.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Terry.

BUECHNER: "Rocket Man."

COULTON: "Rocket Man."

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) Aqua Man, Aqua Man, Aqua Man. He's a mighty good man.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: (Singing) Aqua Man, Aqua Man, Aqua Man. He's a mighty good man. A might, mighty good man.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Dan.

BOCCHINO: "What A Man?"

COULTON: "What A Man?"

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) When I dial 611 Repair Service she said, hello may I help you please? I told her something must be wrong with my phone. My baby wouldn't hang up on me. Mr. Tidy Bowl Man, Is something wrong with my line? When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Terry?

BUECHNER: I don't want know the song, but I'm going to guess, "Telephone Man?"

COULTON: "Telephone Man." Yeah. I don't know the song either, but...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: New Edition. New Edition.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) He had white horses and ladies by the score. All dressed in satin, waiting by the door. Ooh, what a pizza man he was.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Dan?

BOCCHINO: "Lucky Man."

COULTON: "Lucky Man." Much better.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: All right. This is your last clue.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) Aimee, Aimee Mann, I've got to be Aimee Mann. Aimee, Aimee Mann...

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: (Singing) ...I've got to be Aimee.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Terry.

BUECHNER: "Macho Man."

COULTON: "Macho Man." Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: With many apologies to Aimee Mann, of course.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: That's sung by the East Village People, I think.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Art Chung, how we do in this game?

ART CHUNG: In that game Dan was our winner man.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Congratulations, Dan. You'll be moving on to our Ask Me One More final round coming at the end of the show.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PARTICLE MAN")

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS: (Singing) Particle man, particle man. Doing the things a particle can. What's he like? It's not important. Particle man.

EISENBERG: Coming up, we have more with our VIP, Nathan Sawaya. We'll see if the master builder knows his art master pieces. So stay tune. This is ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PARTICLE MAN")

GIANTS: (Singing) Triangle man, Triangle man. Triangle man hates particle man. They have a fight, Triangle wins. Triangle man.

(Singing) Particle man, particle man. Doing the things a particle can. What's he like? It's not important. Particle man.

(Singing) Triangle man, Triangle man. Triangle man hates particle man. They have a fight, Triangle wins. Triangle man. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.